normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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