you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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