On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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