Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
kill, fuck, marry: alice cullen, hermione granger, ginny weasley.
damn... fuck alice for sure, I feel bad but i think I have to say marry ginny... and kill hermoine! I can't believe I'm answering this right now.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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