O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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