now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Randomize
