It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Randomize
