pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I just found puke in my bra..
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Randomize
