I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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