Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
