Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
