Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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