Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
