Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
So many bounce houses so little time
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
