I think I just saw someone hide a body.
home. puking in laundry basket.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
