Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Randomize
