her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Randomize
