I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
