Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I want a musical about memes.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Randomize
