he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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