lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
How drunk are you?
Completed.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize