why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
