cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
