I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Randomize
