Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
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