If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
