All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
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