new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
