yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
