I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
