I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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