well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
