To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
