we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
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