apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Randomize
