he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
