The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
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