My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
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