i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
it's like heaven, but drunker
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I'm bleeding and have questions
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
