Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
