Are we in a gay sports bar?
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
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