Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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