If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
