Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Are we still banned from the library?
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
