just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
