I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
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