I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
All I want is dick and wine.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
