I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Randomize
