I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Randomize
