my mouth tastes like poor choices
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
In other news, I just burned my penis
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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